nyc, ghosts & flowers

r-
i can tell. i'm not in a much better state myself. i go through periods of nostalgia followed by periods of regret followed my periods of mourning followed by periods of hatred. i look back on the past two years and see how he is a part of all of my memories and i feel upset but then i feel like i miss him, even though logically i know i don't. and if he were to come back in my life, i wouldn't want him. love and attraction are never straightforward things and you can't help but feel how you feel. i think you just need to see j now to really realize how you feel about him- because it isn't always the same. maybe you won't be in love with this j. but what is he really teaching you right now? i don't see anything... i saw at the beginning how, through being with him, you became more clever and witty and more able to socially manipulate. but i'm just not sure now if you are even learning anything about yourself through the relationship. if i'm sure of one thing, i am sure that you don't need him. if you think about it, you are at your best mentally when you are not with him- i think that says something. also, i'm not sure if j will ever love anyone more than himself. he is really disgusting to me, i personally hope that you will stop seeing him!
xo, m


maybe i should start following 17 year old me's advice.